Dear Gramps,

This is Kevin again. I’ve got a question for you. Perhaps you can help me. I’m in sort of a dilemma. I’ve got 5 roommates who are all great guys. But there is a definite feeling of contention in this apartment and I feel it’s because two of these roommates have refused to completely forgive me of dumb little things I have done. With one roommate, I used his computer without asking to check email. With another, the same situation. I also used his phone without asking and borrowed some CDs without asking. I literally live in fear with these guys sometimes because I’m afraid that if I don’t ask, they’re going to lose it. I’ve apologized for these, what seemed to me, insignificant instances, yet I find that they are still talking behind my back and complaining about my failure to ask every time I want to use something of theirs. To me, these seem like selfish attitudes. To both of them, their computer is VERY important, kind of idolish it seems. It’s their baby and they take very good care of them and protect them like there’s no tomorrow. But their selfish desires is for them to overcome. I have my own problems to overcome. But what’s killing me and really hurting me is that they don’t want to let go of the past. And because of it, there is an uncomfortable spirit that exists. I’m afraid to approach them about it because I feel like I’d be beating this issue into the ground, reapologizing for something I did months ago. Is there any way to solve this? The semester is almost over, so I guess I could “endure” through it, but I don’t think that’s a healthy attitude to have. I also know that because they have chosen not to completely forgive me, the greater sin lies with them, as pointed out in D&C 64. But what do I do in the meantime? I feel like I’m the one suffering here and not them. It doesn’t seem to bother them that they haven’t forgiven me, but I’m suffering because they talk bad about me, about things I’ve already repented of, things I’ve already apologized about. In fact, my one roommate made the comment to me, which seems quite ironic, saying: “I love you Kevin, but I can’t trust you. I don’t trust you anymore, but I still love you.” What??? That seems like a paradox to me. At any rate, what should I do? Am I, in any way, perhaps at fault here? And what have the prophets said in this regard? Thanks for your time.

Kevin, from Utah

Dear Kevin,

I’m with them! If I caught anyone using my computer without my permission I’d come down on him like a ton of bricks. If I do let anyone use my computer I instruct them not to CHANGE ANYTHING!! In spite of that, they sometimes seem so anxious to add all their new stuff, or to “improve” my operation, that they do their thing anyway, leaving me on several occasions partially incapacitated. And if someone used my computer without my permission after I had told him not to, he would certainly not be worthy of my trust, and I would probably lock things up or change my access password.

If you have violated their trust, they may feel that they have good reason not to trust you. Simply apologizing won’t cut it. You have to regain their trust, and that’s not easy. You must show them by your actions, not your words, that you are trustworthy. It’s something like this–if a guy robs a bank, he is known as a bank robber. How many times do you think that he must walk by a bank and not rob it to be known as a person who would never rob a bank?

Gramps