Gramps-

Our family has a rich history of missionary service. Beginning with my grandpa, his children and grand-children are responsible for over 100 years of full time missionary service. It’s been 5 years since I returned from my mission and, like most people, I remember it as the best experience of my life. Recently, I was surprised to hear that my younger brother (who is now 19) has decided that he doesn’t want to go on a mission. He’s active in the church, but he feels that he can “be a good person without having to go on a mission” and he doesn’t feel any sort of obligation to serve. And he’s tired of people asking him about it. As you can imagine, this both angers and saddens me. I view it as a decision that is both selfish and short-sighted when he has been blessed so abundantly his whole life. As his big brother, can you suggest the best approach I can take? I’d certainly appreciate it.

Brian, from Las Vegas, Nevada

Dear Brian,

Yes, I can. Back off! Let me quickly say that I don’t know a thing about your particular circumstance, and in order to give any specific advice on a problem such as you pose, much more information would be needed. Without that information one can only surmise various scenarios. Let me propose one among many–again without any indication that it would have any resemblance to your reality–but then again??? Here’s what would be possible to interpret from your communication. You have a particular, and admirable, view of your role in the family tradition. Since you feel some responsibility for and authority over your younger brother, you are attempting to force him into the mold that you envision for him. If this is the case, it has probably gone on for the poor kid’s entire life. I would imagine that he would do almost anything to get out from under such domination. Not following your (and the rest of your family’s) insistence that he conform to the mold–in this case, following family tradition to go on a mission–is merely a cry to get out from under the pressure and to be allowed to make up his own mind on a matter–any matter–just once. If this is the case, the time will come when he will be on his own, away from you and the family. What usually happens in such circumstances is that the examples of the noble and righteous ideals and actions of yourself, as the dominating older brother, and the rest of the family members, remain as a powerful influence for good. And when your brother can make choices that have not already be made for him by others with dominance or authority over him, those values come to the fore, and he begins to make the kind of decisions on his own that all the others impatiently tried to force him to do in the first place.

Gramps