Dear Gramps,

I have a question that an inactive member asked me. This person has been inactive for some ten years, is married outside of the church and has a kid, but now is wanting to come back to church. The problem is the spouse says he will leave her if she does. They cannot seem to agree on anything. The husband is hardcore about another religion, and is not willing to listen about the Mormons. There are also many other problems within their marriage. She was wondering what the church would say about divorce in this case. Because she would like a temple marriage and to get her life in order. They have been married for 4 years, and have had problems for 3 or those years. What advice should I give her?

Ethel, USA

Dear Ethel,

I know of a couple that were in a somewhat similar situation. However, the wife attended all her meetings at Church and never said a thing to her husband about it. He was determined that she not go to Church so every Saturday night he planned some activity that would keep them out as late as possible. She would go with him, enjoy the activity and never complain. After a couple of years he was so impressed with her devotion to her religion that he invited the missionaries to meet in his office to teach him the gospel, without letting his wife know anything about it. He was converted to he faith. So on a particular Saturday he asked his wife, “Would you like to go to a baptism this evening?” She asked who was being baptized and the replied, “I am.” He later became a stake president.

It seems to me that the first thing your friend needs to do is to learn to get along with her husband. They are a family and have a precious child, whose life would be badly damaged if the marriage broke up. Next, she needs to present an example of obedience to what she believes. As in the case cited above, preaching to one’s spouse generally has the effect of widening the gap. Suggest to your friend that if she would like to get her life in order, to do so. And the first step would be to learn to get along with her husband. Someone said, there are two partners in a marriage–one is always right and the other is a husband. Many a truth is spoken in jest. If she were pleasant to her husband, supportive of the things that he would want to do, rather than opposing them, she could manage to remove all contention from the home. Undoubtedly her husband has his problems. If she insists on standing her ground, on proving her point, on demonstrating that she is right, on demanding to get her own way, the marriage is very likely doomed. If she wants to save the marriage, she can. Now, somebody else could talk to the husband in the very same way, but that is not going to happen. So let her engineer the whole thing, and bring it about. All she will have to give up will be pride, self righteousness and ego–all of which are requirements for the kind of life that would permit her to go to the temple in the first place.

Gramps