Gramps,

What is the Church policy for those who gender transition?

Kay

Answer

Kay,

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints maintains clear doctrinal stances regarding sexual orientation and gender identity. According to Church teachings, identifying as a member of the LGBTQ community is not inherently sinful. Instead, the sin is perceived to lie in acting upon same-sex attractions or engaging in behaviors that contradict traditional gender roles as defined by Church doctrine. This distinction emphasizes the importance of personal agency and the belief that individuals can choose to live in accordance with Church teachings despite their innate attractions or feelings.

The Church has this official stance:

“Those who feel their inner sense of gender does not align with their biological sex at birth … often face complex challenges. They—and their family and friends—should be treated with sensitivity, kindness, compassion, and Christlike love. …

 

“Worthy individuals who do not pursue surgical, medical, or social transition away from their biological sex at birth may enjoy all the privileges of Church membership.

 

“Church leaders counsel against pursuing surgical, medical, or social transition away from one’s biological sex at birth. (Social transitioning means intentionally identifying and presenting oneself as other than one’s biological sex at birth, and may include changing dress, grooming, names, or pronouns.) Leaders advise that taking these actions will result in some Church membership restrictions. These restrictions include receiving or exercising the priesthood, receiving or using a temple recommend, and serving in some Church callings. …

 

“Members who have taken steps to transition and then transition back to their biological sex at birth and are worthy and committed to keeping God’s commandments may enjoy all the privileges of Church membership.

 

“Circumstances vary greatly from person to person and can change over time. Members who feel their inner sense of gender does not align with their biological sex at birth or who identify as transgender, as well as the parents or guardians of minors facing such circumstances, are encouraged to seek counsel from their bishop. Bishops counsel with the stake president to address individual circumstances with sensitivity and Christlike love. Stake and mission presidents seek counsel from the Area Presidency” (General Handbook: Serving in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 38.6.23).

The Church’s position is encapsulated in official statements and doctrinal teachings that promote chastity and adherence to traditional gender norms. For instance, Church leaders have reiterated that while same-sex attraction is not a sin, engaging in homosexual behavior is contrary to God’s commandments. Similarly, regarding gender identity, the Church acknowledges the complexities individuals face but maintains that gender is divinely ordained and immutable. These positions are intended to guide members towards lives of righteousness while upholding the Church’s understanding of divine law.

For LGBTQ members of the Church, reconciling their gender identity or sexual orientation with their faith can be a deeply challenging journey. The expectation to live according to the Church’s teachings, which may conflict with one’s personal understanding of self, can lead to significant emotional and spiritual struggles. Many individuals grapple with the fear of judgment, ostracization, and the internal conflict of loving their faith while feeling misunderstood or marginalized by its doctrines.

The pressure to adhere strictly to Church teachings often places LGBTQ members in a difficult position, especially when societal norms evolve toward greater acceptance and understanding of diverse gender identities and sexual orientations. For many, choosing to live in alignment with the Church’s teachings rather than embracing their sexual attractions or gender identity can seem impossible, leading to feelings of isolation and despair. This tension underscores the need for a compassionate dialogue within the Church that recognizes the humanity and inherent worth of every individual, regardless of their identity.

Despite doctrinal differences, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints consistently emphasizes the importance of compassion, kindness, and love in all interactions. Church leaders have counseled members to reflect on the Savior’s love, especially when engaging with those who have differing views or are going through personal struggles. This call to embody Christ-like love serves as a cornerstone for fostering understanding and reducing stigma within the Church community.

Prophetic counsel encourages members to approach conversations about gender identity and sexual orientation with empathy and respect. Recognizing that many individuals who undergo gender reassignment are dealing with profound emotional and psychological challenges, the Church advocates for a supportive and non-judgmental approach. By prioritizing kindness and understanding, the Church seeks to create an environment where all members feel valued and accepted, even amidst doctrinal disagreements.

Moreover, the Church acknowledges the complexity of individual experiences and the importance of personal revelation in navigating these issues. Members are encouraged to seek personal guidance through prayer and scripture study, allowing them to find peace and clarity in their relationship with God [8]. This emphasis on personal spirituality aims to empower individuals to live authentically while remaining committed to their faith.

Gramps

Gramps,

I am very confused. I read that adultery is a sexual relationship between two people not married, but what about imagined sexual relationships even if no physical act is committed. I struggle with my thoughts and fear I am guilty of the second situation and therefore as guilty of adultery as those who commit the physical act…what do I do? What confuses me is if this adultery in the heart is as grave as physically committed adultery. Have I committed in plain and simple terms… Adultery?

Confused

Answer

Confused,

To begin answering your sincere question, let’s read the verses of scripture that correlate with what you are concerned about. In our Book of Mormon we can read the following verse of scripture from Alma (Alma 12:14),

“For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and…”

In the Bible the Lord declares (Matthew 5:27-28),

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

 

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

The first scripture explains that if we do not watch our thoughts our thoughts could condemn us. The second verse is the Lord allowing us to see the higher law correlated with adultery. Why is the Lord concerned with our thoughts, and why might a man/woman have already committed adultery if they lust after someone? We can read the following quote from President David O. McKay that might add more light and knowledge to our thoughts (and the sin in our thoughts) when said:

“Thoughts are the seeds of acts, and precede them. … The Savior’s constant desire and effort were to implant in the mind right thoughts, pure motives, noble ideals, knowing full well that right words and actions would inevitably follow” (Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, comp. Llewelyn R. McKay [1971], 206).

To accompany President McKay’s words we can read the following verse of scripture (Doctrine and Covenants 121:45-46),

Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

 

The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Now that we have more knowledge regarding the importance of keeping our thoughts clean and why keeping our thoughts clean and pure bring us closer to God. What do we do if we struggle with unclean thoughts? The first step would be to ask the Lord for forgiveness. Sins stemming from our thoughts aren’t serious transgressions, but transgressions nonetheless. As they aren’t serious transgressions you can simply kneel down and ask the Lord for forgiveness. You can plead with the Lord on providing strength, through his grace, to overcome the sin of adultery in your heart. Overtime, depending on your personal choices, you can overcome this through the grace of Christ. I also like this thought from James Allen who once wrote:

“A man’s mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed-seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind.

 

Just as a gardener cultivates his plot, keeping it free from weeds, and growing the flowers and fruits which he requires, so may a man tend the garden of his mind, weeding out all the wrong, useless, and impure thoughts, and cultivating toward perfection the flowers and fruits of right, useful, and pure thoughts. By pursuing this process, a man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. He also … understands, with ever-increasing accuracy, how the thought-forces and mind-elements operate in the shaping of his character, circumstances, and destiny” (As a Man Thinketh [1983], 15).

It is good that you are concerned with your thoughts, as we all should be; however, although it has already been answered I will answer it more directly. Is the sin of adultery in our thoughts/heart, the same as committing adultery physically. No. The act of adultery is a serious transgression and requires priesthood authority and keys (through a judge in Israel) to help us through the process of repentance. The sin in our hearts/thoughts, requires due diligence on our part (everyday effort), but doesn’t require priesthood authority and keys (through a judge in Israel) to obtain forgiveness.

Gramps

Gramps,

I was talking with a friend today and she mentioned that the Church Handbook was recently updated. As she told me the changes she said that they took out masturbating or self gratification being a sin. After talking to her I went to look and couldn’t find anything about this topic in the handbook.  I am wondering why this isn’t in there and if I may have missed something. All growing up we were taught that this is a sin and I have taught my teens that it is too. Now I am confused if it is?

Elisha

Answer

Elisha,

In doing some research on this subject you are right.  There is no mention in the new handbook just released.  Nor is there any mention in the handbook that came out in 2010.  Nor is there any mention in the  Bishop and Stake Presidents handbook that came out in 2006.

Sometimes I think we get so caught up with the idea that if it’s not in the Church handbooks or not specifically mentioned in any guidelines then it must not be a sin and okay to do.  We, at Ask Gramps, get asked so often, “How far can I go sexually without it being a sin?”  Believe it or not, there are guidelines specifically outlined and addressed to our youth.  These guidelines can also apply to all adults as well.  They happen to be in For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.

Never do anything that could lead to sexual transgression.  Treat others with respect, not as objects used to satisfy lustful and selfish desires. Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.  Pay attention to the promptings of the Spirit so that you can  be clean and virtuous. The Spirit of the Lord will withdraw from one who is in sexual transgression. (emphasis mine)  For the Strength of Youth

Let’s go back to one of those sentences in bold above.  “Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.”   Doesn’t masturbation arouse those feelings in your body?  Whether it’s mentioned in the handbook or not, it definitely falls under that counsel that our leaders have given the youth.   So if you are doing something intentionally to arouse sexual feelings, it’s my personal opinion that it is considered sinful.  I don’t need a handbook to tell me that.

Just for some past references, this is some guidelines in the Priesthood section on the Church Handbook of Instructions II:  (This is the handbook that just became obsolete when the new one came out this year).

8.10 Standards

 

Standards provide sure direction to strengthen and guide members of the Church. As young men keep gospel standards, they will be of great service in the Church and the world. They will also be worthy to receive the ordinances of the temple. In the booklet For the Strength of Youth, the First Presidency outlines gospel standards and teaches youth how to apply them. Every young man should have a copy of For the Strength of Youth. He should review the standards often and consider how well he is living them. Quorum advisers and assistant advisers should study the standards in the booklet and exemplify them. They should find ways to teach and reinforce these standards often in lessons and at Mutual activities, camps, youth conference, and other activities. Bishopric members and quorum advisers can encourage parents to study gospel standards, exemplify them, and discuss them with their sons. They can also encourage young men to use For the Strength of Youth as a resource for family home evening lessons and talks.

And also:

21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity

 

The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline.

In the current missionary handbook it has this to say about the law of chastity:

You are expected to obey strictly the law of chastity, which forbids sexual conduct of any kind outside of marriage between husband and wife. (bold mine)

Now as I said earlier, even if masturbation is not listed specifically, it’s pretty clear in the For Strength of Youth pamphlet.  That would be the counsel to go by.

Gramps

Dear Gramps,

When an endowed priesthood holder violates the law of chastity before he is married, what church discipline is invoked and what is it based upon (severity, length of time, etc)?

Kristi

Answer

Dear Kristi,

The duties of a Bishop was given by revelation to Joseph Smith and recorded in Doctrine & Covenants 107:

“68 …. for the office of a bishop is in administering all temporal things;

 

69 Nevertheless a bishop must be chosen from the High Priesthood, unless he is a literal descendant of Aaron; ….

 

72 And also to be a judge in Israel, to do the business of the church, to sit in judgment upon transgressors upon testimony as it shall be laid before him according to the laws, by the assistance of his counselors, whom he has chosen or will choose among the elders of the church.”

To be a “Common Judge in Israel” is one of the Bishop’s  greatest responsibilities.  He is to protect the Church and help the members of his congregation gain forgiveness of their sins.  He has been given the spirit of discernment to help him with this great responsibility.

Each of us need to confess all of our sins to the Lord, as only He can forgive us.  Commission of serious sins, especially those of a moral nature such as the one you speak of, also needs to be confessed to the Lord’s representative under whose ecclesiastical jurisdiction one lives.  In most cases this would be their Bishop.  It is the Bishop’s responsibility to determine what course of action needs to be taken to protect the Church and assist the individual in repenting of his sins and gaining forgiveness from the Lord.

If any discipline is needed, it would be primarily the Bishop who would determine what needed to be done.  He would consider many factors, including those that you mentioned, whether the individual freely confesses his sins or if he has to be confronted in order for him to confess.  Other factors would be how widespread knowledge of the sin is, the effect it has had on those involved, and whether the individual was serving in a leadership capacity in the Church when the sin was committed.  The promptings of the Spirit will be his greatest help in determining the course of action to be followed.

The following statement appears in the Church’s website concerning the discipline of those who have committed transgressions.  “Bishops and branch presidents and stake, mission, and district presidents have a responsibility to help members overcome transgression through repentance. The most serious transgressions, such as serious violations of civil law, spouse abuse, child abuse, adultery, fornication, rape, and incest, often require formal Church discipline. Formal Church discipline may include restriction of Church membership privileges or loss of Church membership.”

Gramps

Gramps,

I am struggling to forgive my husband after he betrayed me in one of the most intimate ways possible: adultery.  His adultery was through pornography and masturbation. I can only imagine how much greater my pain would be if he had been physically unfaithful. Still, he was adulterous, and the question remains. How do you forgive someone when they have hurt you, betrayed you, so intimately and deeply? I know that to move forward in our marriage, he must repent & I must forgive. But I am so angry.

Kristen

Answer

Dear Kristen,

I mourn with you as you travel through this terrible trial. Please know that you are not alone. Pornography use has been normalized in media for decades and is rubbing off on Christian culture. According to a 2014 Barna Group survey “39% of Christian men and 13% of Christian women say they believe their use of pornography is ‘excessive’,” and “21% of Christian men … say they think they might be ‘addicted’ to pornography or aren’t sure if they are” (as cited by Covenant Eyes (a company that sells an Internet monitoring service promoted by Promise Keepers (a Christian men’s organization comprised of men who want to be faithful disciples of Christ)).

I repeat: you are not alone in this trial. Other women have walked with their husbands through that lonesome valley, feeling themselves divided against their greatest ally. Kilee is one such woman.

http://ldsudso-a.akamaihd.net/66852713001/66852713001_4115234761001_2015-03-1120-what-i-know-now-kilee-1080p-eng.mp4

I found Kilee’s story on the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program site for spouses and family members. Not only does The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have a support program for people trying to overcome their addictions, but they also have one for spouses. If you haven’t already, click on that link and learn about what’s ahead of you. And if you haven’t done so, find a group meeting near you for spouses. You will meet sisters who are in the same place you are. You will meet sisters who have already been where you are now. And in time you can be a comfort and a mentor to other sisters who feel emotionally and spiritually alone.

The pain you feel now, while understandable, makes forgiving and healing tremendously difficult. Jesus Christ, because of His Atonement, can make you whole again. This program is intended to assist you in that journey. I hope you find the peace you need, because there is a grave danger if you don’t. You mentioned that your husband committed adultery through pornography and masturbation. While both are sexual sins, they are not the same. Jesus taught that the man who looks “on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (3 Nephi 12:27-28, emphasis mine). His heart is in the wrong place (and thus requires repentance), but he has not committed adultery unless there is another woman involved sexually. If we used the same standard of judgment (that the thought, sight, or feeling equaled the very deed) then the anger you feel towards your husband would make you guilty of murder (3 Nephi 12:21-22). I rather think it was more your pain speaking than your true beliefs, because you immediately noted that you would hurt far more if he was actually adulterous. Regardless, forgiveness comes through healing, and healing comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Practical steps and a support group through this process can be found through the addiction recovery program for spouses and family members.

Gramps

Hi Gramps,

I’m having trouble.  I’m on a mission and I want to start off by saying that I fully intend on finishing my mission. The problem is I’m not here worthily. I want to be, I just don’t have the courage to confess my sins. Before I left on my mission, I struggled with pornography and masturbation. I tried confessing to the bishop ONCE, but didn’t fully confess. Since receiving my endowments months ago and leaving, I have messed up 3 times, and the most recent with pornography. What can I do?

Distraught missionary

Answer

Dear Distraught Missionary,

Thank you for your question!  I assure you, you are not the first missionary to face this challenge.

As you have found, it is very difficult emotionally to be on a mission and to be unworthy.  For one, Elder Gene R. Cook teaches, “Conversion to the Lord can only come through the Spirit of the Lord, and an unworthy individual cannot have that Spirit.  He who has not the Spirit of the Lord will not prosper in the work of the Lord.”  See Gene R. Cook, “Worthy to Serve“.   What is more, as you have found, serving unworthily is a very painful experience.  See id.  The biggest problem, however, is that chastity sins are very serious and threaten our eternal welfare.  See Alma 39:5.  Pornography is particularly deadly, as it is both highly addictive and deeply sinful.  See Dalin H. Oaks, “Pornography“, April 2005 General Conference.

Things simply cannot keep going on this way.  They just can’t.  It is clear you are absolutely miserable, and I am willing to bet you have been worried about your eternal welfare.  Deep down, you are undoubtedly aware that, by serving unworthily, you are not doing justice to the people in your mission area.

There is a way out.  It won’t be easy, and it will take courage, but there is a way out.

You are going to have to sit down with your mission president and have a conversation with him.  Pornography is an example of a sin that requires priesthood authority to overcome.  See id.  (pornography requires confession to a bishop).  Masturbation also requires priesthood authority to overcome.   See Vaughn J. Featherstone, “A Self-Inflicted Purging“, April 1975 General Conference,.  Just open up and be honest about everything – that you had a problem before your mission, you confessed to your bishop but not fully, and the problem has recurred a few times since.  I am willing to bet you are going to find your missionary president will be much more like a loving and concerned father than a harsh judge.  He is a man, you are a man, I am a man, we have all been tempted by pornography and masturbation and we understand their pull and how easy it is to get into trouble.  It is a very understandable and human mistake you made, and you will find sympathy and love from your mission president.  Why not let him use his priesthood to heal you, once and for all?

Now, I know you are worried about consequences, so let’s discuss consequences.  What is going to happen if you confess to your mission president?  Will you be sent home?  I know you are worried about these things.  I do not know exactly what your sin entails, and I am not entitled to receive revelation for you, so I cannot give you an answer.  However, if you are sent home (and it is far from certain that this will be the outcome based on what you described), it will be for your eternal welfare, which is far more important than your momentary embarrassment.  Also, you are an adult now – I am guessing 18 or 19 – so, if you are sent home, it is frankly no one’s business but your own and the Lord’s (and, to the extent your bishop is involved in helping you repent, your bishop’s).  You did what you had to do to take care of yourself, and you don’t owe anyone else an explanation as to why you had to return home.

Please do yourself a favor and confess now.  Today.  Call your mission president and tell him over the phone, just like you told me.  Don’t let the pain and sorrow go on a second longer.  You may find that your discussion with your mission president is a pivotal moment in your life, a moment when you found courage to beat pornography and masturbation once and for all.

Good luck!  I will keep you in my prayers.

Gramps

Gramps,

At what point do I need to confess to my bishop as far as the law of chastity? I know you can repent on your own, but serious sins need to be confessed to the bishop. Where is that line?  Thanks.

E

Answer

Dear E,

There are basically two reasons that people ask this question.  Either they have already violated the Law of Chastity and want to know if they have gone “too far” or they haven’t done anything yet and want to be careful not to go too far.  I hope you are in the latter category, but I will try to answer both questions.

For those in the previous category, i.e. if you are worried about something you have done, and wonder if you need to talk to the Bishop…then just go talk to him.  Sometimes I think we equate going to the Bishop like going to the Principal’s office in school or in other words as punishment.  But I don’t believe that is what the Lord had in mind when He gave us this process of repentance.  When one violates the Law of Chastity, that is a serious sin, and represents a serious deviation from the “straight and narrow path”.  I like to think of the Bishop as a loving guide who will help you find your way back to the path, and get you headed down it again.  His purpose is not to “beat you with a few stripes” but to lovingly guide you and walk with you back to the Savior.  Yes, it is true that sometimes that path might include being disfellowshipped or even in extreme cases excommunicated.  But these too are intended to help and not to punish.

Consider a doctor who cuts off a patient’s toe because it has gangrene.  The doctor is not punishing the patient; he is saving him.  Gangrene can spread and kill the patient if it is not stopped.  Sin is like a spiritual gangrene, and sometimes things like being disfellowshipped or excommunicated are needed to stop the sin (disease) from spreading.

For those in the latter category, the most important thing is to listen to the Spirit.  As King Benjamin said there are diverse ways to sin.  These days with social media, pornography, etc, I probably can’t name all the things you could do that would necessitate talking to the Bishop, but the Holy Ghost can be with you every moment and warn you before you make a mistake.  Keep in mind that there are some activities that, while they may not be things you need to confess to the Bishop, they will make it more difficult for you to feel the Spirit.  Those things are pretty clearly outlined in the Strength of Youth Pamphlet, so be familiar with it…even if you are a new convert that is not a youth, it can be a great resource.   The most basic way I can answer your question is don’t look at pornography, and don’t touch someone else (or allow yourself to be touched) where clothes are normally worn.  You can take that to a modest bathing suit if you wish, but you get the idea.  Does this mean you can’t change a baby’s diaper?  Of course not.  As I said, listen to the Holy Ghost.  Also, I would caution you against making out and kissing with tongues as that sends signals to your body that more activity will follow.  The further down that path you go, the harder it is to stop.  Our bodies are designed to want to procreate.  Don’t mess with that powerful design prematurely.

Finally, I would tell you that when kept within the bonds of marriage, sex, is a beautiful way for a couple to bond and become closer to one another.  When kept within the proper boundaries, it is indeed a wonderful part of our lives.

Gramps

Gramps,

I had a friend who when he was 9 and 10 touched a girl (only above the waist) when she was asleep. This only happened about 3-4 times. Now that he is 16 he has felt awful about it everyday and has no intention or feelings of doing it again. He really wants to repent but has still not talked to a bishop because of the fear of letting it turn to legal actions or excommunication. He is very respectful to women but he had a slip in his youth and he really is a good guy. Can he be forgiven?  Is it too late?

Tommy

Answer

Dear Tommy,

Of course, your friend can be forgiven.  It is not too late.  He should talk to his Bishop, and be released of this burden that he has carried for so long.  I cannot say definitively, but I doubt that there will be excommunication. I don’t know what the legal process would be, but following through with that is part of the repentance process. The most likely outcome of talking to the Bishop will be peace.  That is the wonderful effect of repentance, and it is a gift that the Lord wants to share with all of us.   He has told us this through the scriptures.  One of my favorites being:

Isaiah 1:18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Notice that the Lord says white as snow.  White is a symbol of purity.  The Lord is reminding us here that through repentance we can be clean and pure again.

Our leaders have often reassured us of the Lord’s love and outstretched arms:

“However many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.”—Elder Jeffrey R. Holland  8 Myths About Repentance

Talking to the Bishop can be intimidating, but our Leaders have reassured us about that as well.

“I promise you he will not condemn you. As a servant of the Lord, he will be kind and understanding as he listens to you. He will then help you through the repentance process. He is the Lord’s messenger of mercy to help you become clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”—Elder C. Scott Grow  8 Myths About Repentance

Your friend should talk to his Bishop, and be relieved of this burden.  He will be glad that he did.

Gramps

Gramps,

“There is no true Latter‑day Saint who would not rather bury a son or a daughter than to have him or her lose his or her chastity ‑‑ realizing that chastity is of more value than anything else in all the world.”  Heber J. Grant, Prophet Heber J. Grant, Gospel Standards, p. 55

Is this still a position held by the church, parents would rather bury a child, then help them find their way back through repentence?

Abbie

Answer

Dear Abbie,

I believe you have misinterpreted what Pres. Grant was teaching.  He did not say, “It is better that parents watch a fornicating child die and bury him or her than that they help that child repent.” President Grant said (in effect), not that death is better than repentance, but that death is better than sin. Immorality is a very serious sin, but yes, it can be repented of.  

Here are a few quotes from modern-day leaders on this topic:

Pres. Uchtdorf:

Satan, “the father of all lies” (2 Nephi 2:18), “the father of contention” (3 Nephi 11:29), “the author of all sin” (Helaman 6:30), and the “enemy unto God” (Moroni 7:12), uses the forces of evil to convince us that this concept applies whenever we have sinned. The scriptures call him the “accuser” because he wants us to feel that we are beyond forgiveness (see Revelation 12:10). Satan wants us to think that when we have sinned we have gone past a “point of no return”—that it is too late to change our course. In our beautiful but also troubled world, it is a sad reality that this attitude is the source of great sorrow, grief, and distress to families, marriages, and individual lives.

 

Satan tries to counterfeit the work of God, and by doing this he may deceive many. To make us lose hope, feel miserable like himself, and believe that we are beyond forgiveness, Satan might even misuse words from the scriptures that emphasize the justice of God, in order to imply that there is no mercy.

Point of Safe Return

Elder Bednar:

Some of you who receive this message need to repent of sexual or other sins. The Savior is often referred to as the Great Physician, and this title has both symbolic and literal significance. All of us have experienced the pain associated with a physical injury or wound. When we are in pain, we typically seek relief and are grateful for the medication and treatments that help to alleviate our suffering. Consider sin as a spiritual wound that causes guilt or, as described by Alma to his son Corianton, “remorse of conscience” (Alma 42:18). Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body—a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage. From the Atonement of the Savior flows the soothing salve that can heal our spiritual wounds and remove guilt. However, this salve can only be applied through the principles of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, repentance, and consistent obedience. The results of sincere repentance are peace of conscience, comfort, and spiritual healing and renewal.

 

Your bishop or branch president is the spiritual physician’s assistant who is authorized to help you repent and heal. Please remember, however, that the extent and intensity of your repentance must match the nature and severity of your sins—especially for Latter-day Saints who are under sacred covenant. Serious spiritual wounds require sustained treatment and time to heal completely and fully.

We Believe in Being Chaste

Pres. Kimball:

Serious as is the sin of fornication (sexual intercourse by the unmarried), there is forgiveness upon condition of total repentance. But first one must come to a realization of the seriousness of his sin. Since the beginning there has been in the world a wide range of sins. Many of them involve harm to others, but every sin is against ourselves and God, for sins limit our progress, curtail our development, and estrange us from good people, good influences, and from our Lord.

President Kimball Speaks Out on Morality

The quote from Pres. Grant can also be troublesome to victims of sexual assault and abuse, because they tend to blame themselves and feel tremendous shame.  To them, Elder Richard G. Scott says:

I solemnly testify that when another’s acts of violence, perversion, or incest hurt you terribly, against your will, you are not responsible and you must not feel guilty. You may be left scarred by abuse, but those scars need not be permanent. In the eternal plan, in the Lord’s timetable, those injuries can be made right as you do your part.

Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse

I will close with one of my favorite scriptures Isaiah 1:18   . . . saith the Lord” though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; thought they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

Gramps

Gramps,

I have been a member of the LDS church all my life and believe the doctrine stating that our spirits had a gender before we became mortal.  I find myself pondering the possibility of an imperfectly gendered body.  Hermaphrodites exist, and there are any number of possible things that go wrong in forming a human body.  Is it, or could it at all be possible for someone really to be born into the wrong gender of body versus their spirit gender?  I honestly don’t know for sure. Thanks.

Lisa

Answer

Lisa,

It is hard not to ponder such a question given the current events going on around us.  The Church has clearly proclaimed that “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose,” in the Proclamation on the Family.

There are some who state simply that “God does not make mistakes” as if that ended the discussion.  While I agree God does not make mistakes, I don’t agree that ends the discussion. God’s perfect plan is to test us imperfect people with imperfect bodies living in an imperfect word to see if we will overcome our challenges and do his will.

This plan with its imperfect bodies is not a mistake.  Many of us have to deal with physical, mental, and/or emotional problems whose root cause might be caused by something going wrong in these imperfect bodies.  There is no reason to believe that the apparent gender of our physical form is an exception to these kind of potential problems.  You mentioned one such problem (Hermaphrodites).  Medical science is full of such cases; even our chromosomes can be messed up.  Instead of the standard XX for female and XY for males, one might have Turner Syndrome (XO) Klinefelter Syndrome (XXY), Triple X Syndrome (XXX) and XYY Syndrome.

Given what we are still learning about how our physical bodies develop, I think it is also way too soon to rule out the idea that some kinds of imperfections could alter the brain structure and brain chemistry that effect a persons thoughts about their gender identity.

While there is a lot we don’t know, we do know some very important things.  We are here to see if we will follow God’s commands.  Whatever challenges we face, no matter the reason we face them, we still need to seek out and follow God as best we can.  We need to love our brothers and sisters (everyone) and try to help them also seek out and follow God the best that they can, no matter what trial they might be facing.  All of us need to seek the Spirit of God, ponder the scriptures, and have the support and guidance of trusted leaders, families, and friends as we struggle to overcome all our imperfections and follow God.

Gramps

Dear Gramps,

Those who have been born male and have chosen to live in this world as a woman are referred to in the press as “she” and the new feminine name they go by.    The same goes for the opposite gender.  Should Latter-day Saints participate in the charade, and take up with the ways of the world, and do the same thing?  Or should they honor the gender God gave these people  when they were born into this world (and will continue to have after the resurrection throughout all eternity)?

Robert

Answer

Robert,

Gramps has been talking with his friends about this issue and trying to figure out how to address it. There are various issues in play here.

On the one hand, we have clear counsel from our prophets that we must be kind in our disagreements and reflect the Savior’s love in all our communications. Most people who undergo so-called “gender reassignment” are tortured souls, dealing with issues the rest of us don’t even imagine. When a man goes so far as to castrate himself, receive estrogen injections, and otherwise live a “feminime” lifestyle (as he sees it), and requests to be called “she”, it seems churlish to deny him (her) this request. It costs us nothing and makes him/her happy, so where’s the harm?

On the other hand, there is a deep danger here. We have many social fictions that we hold to, just because it makes life go easier for all involved. For example, we hold a door open for women, not because we think women unable to open their own doors, but because we want to show we value women. Perhaps our society doesn’t really value women as we should, but a simple act like holding the door, though it may perpetuate a fiction, helps remind us of the deep truth underlying that fiction.

“Gender reassignment” is another social fiction, but in my opinion, one of more dubious value. We pretend that a man is a woman (or vice versa) because that person has requested we do so. For the most part, perhaps this is innocuous. But we must always remember that it is a fiction. We must never allow ourselves to believe that “gender” is a false construct, and that we may choose our gender just as we choose our hairstyle. In the words of The Family: A Proclamation to the World, “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

We live in this world and among its societies. We conform to the laws and societal customs of those societies unless such laws or customs force us into disobeying the Lord. In this case, calling a man “she” is not fundamentally a moral issue. So in my judgment, we teach our truths, publicly and (especially) privately, and also “render unto Caeser” by calling people by whatever gender they prefer.

Gramps

Grandpa,

I recently confided in my sister. I told her that I was in therapy trying to heal my chronic pelvic pain, PTSD which resulted from sexual abuse that I never dealt with.  What am I missing? I’m very familiar with the atonement. It’s not like I haven’t poured my heart out asking for deliverance from this pain. I believe that through Christ, I can be healed, but I also know it hasn’t taken place. What do I take away from that? I haven’t asked enough, or correctly?

A family member, in another bishopric told me that I should be meeting w/ the Bishop regularly for council.  I don’t want to beg for an appointment. but after reading Ensign talks on healing from sexual abuse, (which is what I’m trying to do), the talks imply that the Bishop should be quite hands on if not the Stake President.

Where do I turn for priesthood counsel?

Jeanette

Answer

Jeanette,

My heart goes out to you.  Someone close to me is working through the same process of healing so this is a topic close to my heart.

I would like first to address your question about why healing takes so long.  First I would like to reassure you that it isn’t your fault.  Healing takes time.  It is natural to want the healing to come now, and the pain to stop, but some wounds take time. To illustrate this point, I’d like to share some quotes from Sis. Cheiko Okazaki’s talk on “Healing From Sexual Abuse” and Elder Jeffery R. Holland’s talk, “Like a Broken Vessel”. First you may not be alone in wondering why healing takes so long.  Your friends and family, while sincerely wanting to help, may ask the same question. Sis. Okazaki speaking of this said:

“Often when we acknowledge a problem, we want it fixed quickly. We think a few visits to a therapist, a few priesthood blessings, a few tears shed, a few hugs should make everything all right. Not so. The process of healing may be more complex than I realize, different for each survivor, but let me share with you again what my friend says: ‘ . . . I am in so much pain that I will do anything to pass through this as efficiently as possible.  A lake cannot repent of its pollutants; it can only submit to being dredged and flushed of its debris and poisons. I am learning that the pain is not an end in itself, but it leads me to what I am to learn, and with each lesson, I get more of my life back.’”

How much time will it take you might ask.  The answer will vary for different people.  I don’t want to discourage you, but to reassure you that if your healing takes a long time, it does not mean that you have done something wrong. About this Sis. Okazaki said:

“The sixth message I want to share is that healing from sexual abuse is a very long and very painful process. According to one study that included LDS women, being able to reach the ultimate step of forgiving the perpetrator and moving on took an average of fifteen years . . . Let me borrow an image from a sensitive bishop who works hard to help members of his ward who have been sexually abused. He urges leaders, family, and friends to realize that their loved one, a ward member, has been injured, just as if he or she had broken a leg that had never been set properly. Even though the person can walk and may have forgotten about the injury, true healing and true strength cannot return until the injury is acknowledged, the bone rebroken, and the leg set correctly. Please recognize and realize that someone who has been sexually abused has been deprived of part of her or his free agency. The individual cannot get it back except through the long and difficult process of healing from sexual abuse.”

Again I hope you will not feel overwhelmed or discouraged by that.  According to those I have talked to, it does get easier.  The process takes time, but the pain becomes easier to bear as you become stronger.

People who sincerely want to help may encourage you to “forgive and let go.”  But I caution you, forgiveness also takes time.  It is an important and beautiful principle, but it is not the first step of healing. Sis. Okazaki addresses this as well:

“Third, do not try to rush or short circuit the forgiveness process, but continue to work towards it as you can. Wendy Ulrich, a psychologist in private practice, talks about the need to balance both justice and mercy during the process of coming to forgiveness. She writes, ‘The principle of justice requires an honest appraisal of our current systems and the realities of our pain. To forgive prematurely can close doors to the important realities that pain can open. Justice requires that we not assume responsibility for sins we have not committed, that we not assume power to control decisions we cannot control, and that we not exonerate others’ actions when they are dangerous and destructive. To attempt to be merciful in the absence of justice is to deny the characteristics which make God God. The principle of mercy follows the principle of justice but cannot rob it.’”

When the path of healing is long and painful, we may wonder why our prayers have not been answered.  Addressing this Elder Holland said,

“Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.”

I’m so glad that you said you are in therapy Jeanette.  Both Sis. Okazak and Elder Holland talked about the importance of therapy. Sis. Okazaki said:

“Now the third message I have is that women and men who have been sexually abused probably need professional help and certainly need personal support. In the vast majority of cases, they need professional help because sexual abuse, and particularly incest, attacks the very foundation of their identity.”

Elder Holland agrees. Speaking of serious depression (which is common among survivors of abuse), he said:

“If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.”

You asked about priesthood guidance.  I would counsel you to remember that Bishops and Stake Presidents are generally not trained in counseling, and should not be expected to replace your therapist.  However, there are ways that a priesthood leader can help.  One way is priesthood blessings.  Another way they can help is if you find yourself struggling spiritually while on your healing journey.  This is not uncommon.  Sis. Okazaki addressed this too (though I won’t quote it here, as this is long enough.)  Those I have talked to have expressed having difficulty in this area as well.  Priesthood leaders can be helpful in reassuring you in spiritual matters.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help or make an appointment with your Bishop.  People who have not experienced abuse don’t understand how intense the pain can be, or how much support is needed.  You may need to reach out to them and let them know that you are struggling and need help.

Jeanette, while healing is a long, painful process, I promise you that healing is possible.  I have seen this in my friend who is dealing with this issue.  Christ will help you.  I’ll close this with a final quote from Sis. Okazaki speaking of her friend who was working through this she said:

“Now the closing words of her most recent priesthood blessing assured her ‘that Christ not only sorrows at my suffering, but suffers with me as I suffer. I am amazed at the love he offers me. I also lose what hope I had of escaping my pain any other way than by experiencing it. I wanted to be otherwise; then I remember Alma’s great testimony that Christ will descend below all things that he may succor his people according to their infirmities.’”

He will be with you every step of the way, Jeanette. That I can promise.

Some additional sources:

Jeffrey R. Holland – Like a Broken Vessel

Other helpful resources:

Hope and Healing in Recovering from Abuse – Sarah E.Miller

Gramps