I am wondering what some of your thoughts are on marriage. I’m 20 years old and about to make that very important decision. We’ve dated over a year. Is it normal to get very scared as marriage becomes real and as I discuss it with my boyfriend? I know he is a man of God, so I don’t understand why I’m so scared. I know he loves me, but how do I know if I love him? Sometimes I wonder if it’s love that I feel, but I don’t understand why I wouldn’t love my boyfriend because he is such a good guy and completely worthy of taking me to the temple. What do these feelings mean?

Brittney, from Idaho

Dear Brittney,

You are talking about the most important decision that you will make in your entire life. (There! Does that make you feel any better?) This decision has far reaching consequences into the eternities, and it will affect generations to come. Because of that, not only is this decision one of deepest concern for yourself and your boyfriend, but it is of vital concern to your Father in Heaven, as well. He has a plan for you; your life here is not just left to chance.

It is not at all uncommon in the face of such decisions to entertain some doubts as to whether to go ahead or not. But if you lack some confidence in yourself to make such decisions, have instead confidence in the Lord. No doubt you have made this matter the subject of sincere prayer, and yet you still wonder what to do. Let’s talk for a minute about two concepts-faith, and the answers to prayers.

If you have faith, which in some sense is the opposite of doubt, you will act with confidence on the knowledge that you have. As you look objectively at your situation, it appears to be very positive-”I know that he is a man of God, and I know that he loves me.” Based on that knowledge and the impressions of your experience together, you can make a decision. Faith then would be to act on that decision. Once the decision is made, don’t revisit it unless the relevant circumstances change.

Now concerning the answer to prayer- Some people think that prayer is answered by a burning in the bosom, as in (D&C 9:8),

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.That is true, but those kind of answers are generally reserved for things like translating the Book of Mormon and other sacred experiences where choices among alternatives must be made. The procedure, however, is appropriate in a general sense- you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right-but the answer may come in ways much more subtle than a burning in the bosom. A much more common way in which prayers are answered is given in D&C 8:2

Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

This means that we will think it’s a good idea (the mind) and that we will feed good about it (the heart). If that is the case in your situation, accept it and get on with it. The self doubts, nervousness and jittery feels you can attribute to the feeble attempts of the Adversary to dissuade you from an inspired course of action, and dismiss them.

Gramps

questions:

1) In Leviticus, chapter 12, it refers to the time a woman was considered unclean after giving birth. Why was that length of time twice as long for the birth of a baby girl than for a baby boy?

2) Have you any idea what would be considered a reasonable amount of time for a person to be able to forgive and heal emotionally when their spouse has been unfaithful to temple marriage covenants and/or been abuse to the family?

Michelle, from Utah

Dear Michelle,

As to question No. 1, I have no idea.

As to question No. 2, the amount of time for such healing and forgiving would depend strictly on the individual, on how closely they live to the Lord in order to understand the great principle of forgiveness that he exemplified in his life and through the effects of his great atoning sacrifice. He said on one occasion, while hanging on the cross, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). And on another, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

Gramps

Thank you for a wonderful, informative, question and answer column.

I have a question that follows on from a question you answered in the last column, about whether Jesus Christ was married (question sent in by Janet.)

In your answer you quote Orson Hyde “We say it was Jesus Christ who was married (at Cana) to the Marys and Martha, whereby he could see his seed before he was crucified.” – Apostle Orson Hyde, Journal of Discourses, Vol II (H.Roberts, Defence of the Faith and the Saints, Vol 2, p272).

In this statement of Orson Hyde’s he refers to “his seed”. Does this mean that Jesus had children from these wives before he was crucified ?

Lynne

Dear Lynn,

From that information we are left to make our own conclusions. One could surely assume, however, that if the Savior was married, he would have had children, which, of course, is the ultimate purpose of marriage, and would be consistent with Elder Hyde’s statement.

Gramps

I have always been curious how women can expect to be remarried (after being widowed) if they can not be sealed to more than one man. Personally, I would want to spend eternity with my husband, and so do not want to be sealed to more than one man, but if I was widowed young, I don’t know if I would want to spend the rest of my life alone. I guess I could have a civil marriage, but if I loved this person, wouldn’t I want him to have the blessings of the temple? Then he would be stuck with me. What a mess! Men seem lucky to not have this dilemma to consider. Please help me understand

Marcia

Dear Marcia,

It’s true that a woman can be sealed to only one man, but if temple worthy she may be married in the temple for ‘time only’ to another. She could learn to love the other as she did her eternal husband. But when we reach eternity, exalted in the celestial kingdom, that spirit of love will be extended to all. Sacred associations will continue, but the eternal family relationship will remain as sealed in the temple. Our problem is that we tend to project our present imperfect alliances and feelings into the eternities without realizing that they will be honed and polished to perfection. In that state there will be no conflict, no misunderstanding, no jealosy, no tears and no sorrow. All will be well, so there is really nothing to worry about.

There is no doubt that your eternal husband, from the perspective of his vantage point, would want your comfort, well being and happiness during the remainder of your mortal sojourn. And he will be eternally grateful to the person who would be willing to spend the rest of mortality with you to give you companionship and help take care of your needs and desires.

-Gramps

I love your columm. As a young woman I have always been taught that the prophets advised singles to not marry outside the church. Adhering to that advise I am still single, never had the chance to be a mother, even though I had chances to marry outside the church. I know quite a few sisters who married outside the church against the advise of the prophets, raised children and have a happy family life, though still hoping their spouses will become members one day. I was taught that these sisters would become ministering angels in the celestial world but would not have the blessings of eternal marriages and offspring.

One of your previous answers gave me the impression that these sisters, who disobeyed the prophets knowingly, still get the same blessings in the eternity as the ones who denied themselves a family life, struggled with the law of chastity, were lonely etc. To me that doesn’t seem to be very fair. It’s not that I don’t want them to be blessed with eternal families, but if that is the case, I (and so many other sisters) denied myselve a family during my second estate for nothing. Could you please shed some light on this issue? Thanks,

Virginia, from the Netherlands

Dear Virginia,

I’m sorry if you got the impression that those who marry outside the Church receive the same blessings as those who are sealed for time and eternity. First, let’s differentiate between the two types of marriages. Civil marriages are consummated for time only, i.e. until one of the partners is dead. The death of one of the partners terminates that marriage relation, and the surviving spouse is legally free to marry again. This is the only kind of marriage available to those who marry outside the Church. Those whose marriages are not sealed in the holy temples for time and for all eternity will be as single individuals throughout eternity, their marriage contract having been fulfilled and terminated.

Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory (D&C 132:16).

Now, concerning those who have not had the oppportunity during mortality to be sealed to a companion for time and eternity, President Joseph Fielding Smith Jr. had the following comforting and reassuring counsel-

“You good sisters, who are single and alone, do not fear, do not feel that blessings are going to be withheld from you. You are not under any obligation or necessity of accepting some proposal that comes to you which is distasteful for fear you will come under condemnation. If in your hearts you feel that the gospel is true, and would under proper conditions receive these ordinances and sealing blessings in the temple of the Lord; and that is your faith and your hope and your desire, and that does not come to you now; the Lord will make it up, and you shall be blessed-for no blessing shall be withheld” (Doctrines of Salvation, Vol.2, p.76).

Gramps

For full exaltation, one cannot make it alone. One must be accompanied by one’s spouse. However, what if that spouse is a non-member who is highly unlikely to ever join the church, and thus be eligible to be sealed with me in the temple? I would very much like to be sealed for time and eternity but my wife, a wonderful person, does not share my faith and, barring a Paul-to-Damascus kind of miracle conversion, she will never be willing to go to the temple. Will I be excluded from exaltation if she never wants to take the ordinances? Thank you very much for your kind attention and God bless you!!

Mikel Morris, from Spain

Dear Mikel,

It is my understanding that if your heart is right and you live worthily, no blessing will be denied you that you could not qualify for by conditions beyond your control. We are told in D&C 137:7 that

All who have died without a knowledge of this gospel, who would have received it if they had been permitted to tarry, shall be heirs of the celestial kingdom of God.

Surely those who have accepted the Savior, who love the Lord and keep his commandments would not receive less.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. There are yet today Paul-to-Damascus kinds of miracles. As a case in point, my own father, the only one our family who did not belong to the Church, was somehow the recipient of such a miracle. He grew up as a Presbyterian, and his father was a U.S. deputy marshall who was active in hunting down and capturing polygamists in the days before the manifesto. Although my father was a good man, we would have nothing to do with the LDS Church-until one day, out of the blue, when he was 64 years old, he asked me, “If I were to decide to get baptized, would they let you baptize me?” I had the privilege of baptizing my father and ordaining him to the priesthood on the very next day, just a few months before he passed away.

If you live an exemplary life, respect your wife’s position on religious matters and honor her in her role as wife and mother, and if you appeal to the Lord daily that He will soften her heart and bless her with a testimony of the gospel, you will have done your part. Under such conditions I feel confident that the scripture cited above will apply to you as much as to any others who would have obeyed the commandments if they were able.

Gramps

Two years ago I married someone who didn’t “fit” my patriarchal blessing and I have had a sinking feeling now that it was wrong. I now realize that I shaped my blessing into what I wanted it to say at the time. This person is a good person. My question is this: in the eyes of the church, and the Godhead as well, should I stick it out and try to make this work or should I stop before more damage is done and try to get on the right path?

If I pray about it will Heavenly Father “alter” what should have been and make the path I’ve chosen into a desirable and righteous one? Is there only one optimal path that we can take, or are there several? If we don’t follow our patriarchal blessing as we should will it destroy our chances for “going back” and making it right? I’m confused and so disappointed in myself. Thank you.

Chris, from California

Dear Chris,

We need to talk! Several issues- patriarchal blessings, the marriage covenant, changing the past, intervention of the Father, to name a few.

First, the patriarchal blessing: It’s impossible to comment on your concern over your patriarchal blessing without knowing the specifics of that which you refer to. However, we shouldn’t try to make to narrow of an interpretation of the meanings that we associate with our blessings. We could be making assumptions that are invalid in themselves.

When you were married you made certain vows and commitments of fidelity and responsibility. Violating those commitments in order to “make things right” would only compound any wrong that may have been done. You are under an obligation to the Lord to make the best of your situation, not to undo it and try again. What you have said here shows that you are primarily concerned and occupied with your own happiness rather than with the welfare and happiness of your spouse. That type of a selfish attitude has within it the seeds of destruction of any marriage. Let me tell you a secret about the success of the marriage relation- If you try to ensure your own happiness and well being, you will not only fail, but you will bring unhappiness to you companion and discord in your marriage. If you can forget about yourself, or if you can sublimate your own desires to procuring at any cost the welfare and happiness of your companion, what you attempt to do for her will be reflected back to you. Self interest is one of the great deterrents to a successful marriage.

You married a “good person,” but somehow think that it must have been the wrong person. The thing is, that what was done is done. You cannot alter the past, but you can alter the evaluation of the past by the Eternal Judge of all. If you change your course to one that you know will be pleasing to our Heavenly Father, and rid yourself of those characteristics of which you are not proud and which you wish had not happened, it will be in the eyes of God as though they had not happened. This is called repentance and forgiveness.

Don’t expect the Father to make everything right for you, whether you pray about it or not. We are in command of our own lives, responsible and accountable for our own actions. If we determine to take a right course, our Father in Heaven will bless us in our activities and abilities, but they will be OUR activities and OUR abilities. Someone said that we must pray as though everything depended on the Lord, and then act as though everything depended on ourselves.

My advise- Accept the past, stay the course, keep all the commandments, love your wife, honor her and bless her, make it your life’s work to concern yourself with the welfare and happiness of others, and the more it costs you the greater will be the value of it.

Gramps

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We have both been married before. I had a Temple Marriage but she has never been to the temple. She has been treated very poorly buy a couple of bishops in the past and has had a very difficult time getting over it.

I have two questions. One, she has studied “The Course in Miracles” for the last 8 years and is very involved in its philosophy. What I have studied of “The Course” I find that it really shows someone how to live a spiritual life and emphases “living in the spirit,” which I have no problem with. The short falls are that it is a very individual thing and there are no ordinances attached etc. Are you familiar with ACIM and what is your opinion?

My second question is concerning the temple. We attended a wedding this last week of which I was able to witness the Temple Sealing of my wife’s nephew but my wife had to wait outside. During the sealing ceremony it was very obvious that her deceased father was present. Without going into a lot of details, I told her of the experience and from that came an openness from her to consider preparation of attending the temple. She was very close with her father and he was very active in temple work etc. She said she would be very willing to read anything there is available on the temple and its necessity. I would like to find something that is scriptural based and not filled with a lot of “Mormon clich‚s.” What can you recommend? She did ask about the Savior being married and if he was, was he married in “The Temple?” What do I tell her?

Flavio, from California

Dear Flavio,

I am not familiar with ACIM. My opinion is that although there are many good books and many good churches that teach people about God, about themselves and about how to get along with others, none of them has any power whatsoever to provide the means of salvation in the Kingdom of God for anyone. Becoming involved in any of those good things, after knowing the truth and after making covenant by baptism to take upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ, to obey his commandments, and to remain true and faithful all the days of our lives, never is a valid substitute for fully participating in the Lord’s kingdom on the earth, where only is salvation. Becoming involved in the teachings and practices of those man-made organizations provides a real danger of leading one away into other philosophies and teachings, which always ends in apostasy if followed long enough.

Let your wife learn about the temple by attending temple preparation classes, obeying the principles of the gospel and being faithful in all her duties. As you and she gain the influence of the Holy Spirit you will be able to understand the spiritual meaning of the instructions so they will not appear to you as clich‚s, but you will see them for what they really are, and you will begin to perceive the deep meaning associated with the teachings about the temple.

The Prophets have revealed to us that indeed Christ was married. Celestial marriage is a requirement for exaltation. If he who knew no sin was baptized to fulfill all righteousness, would he not have received all the other ordinances required for exaltation? Just where those ordinances took place has not been revealed to us.

Gramps

My husband recently joined the Church and together we have been studying the scriptures. As he read he found the declarations that are made at the end of D&C as to the matter of polygamy. He has some questions, and I felt comfortable enough to answer them but as I prepared my thoughts I realized how little I did know on the subject. I have read the official declaration concerning polygamy, but it almost seems as there was a denial of it ever happening. Did it go on? Who or how many brethren had more than one wife? And most of all, why, if ever, was there a need for this practice? I hope that you will be able to advice me. Sincerely,

Ana from California

Dear Ana,

There is something about polygamy that few people understand, although they appear to be versed in the Bible. Whenever the kingdom of God has been on the earth, He has commanded certain of his children to have more than one wife. It is common knowledge that most of the Old Testament prophets had plural wives.

The same commandment was given in the early days of the Restoration. However, polygamous relations, to be valid and legal, had to be authorized by the President of the Church. I understand that no more than about 4% of the early church members were called to have more than one wife. When polygamy was first practiced in the Church it was a perfectly legal procedure. However, the anti Mormon law makers used it as a political issue in attempts to defame the members of the Church, and a retroactive law was passed against the practice. The Church appealed the court action outlawing polygamy, and the official declaration banning the practice was issued only after the appeal had been denied by the supreme court. However, while the appeal was in litigation no plural marriages were authorized. This was strictly consistent with the church doctrine to be obedient to the laws of the land.

The Church has never denied the early practice of this principle, but has followed the revelations from the Lord both in initiating and in terminating the practice. The reason for practicing plural marriage has nothing to do with the shortage of men and the preponderance of women in the Church, as some have claimed, but is a practice related to our eternal progression. The only plural marriages that were authorized were those unions for time and eternity that were sealed in the holy temples, and relate to man’s progress in the eternities.

Gramps

I don’t understand how one can seal their marriage for all
eternity when Matthew  22:30 says that we will be like angels, not
married.

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

First the Pharisees and then the Sadducees tried to entangle the Savior by asking Him questions they felt would be difficult for Him to answer.  The Sadducees’ question was concerning the resurrection, even though they did not believe in the resurrection.  They proposed a situation where a woman was eventually married to seven brothers before she died herself.  Their question was to know which of the seven brothers she would be married to in the resurrection.  The Savior gave the following answer, found in Matthew 22:  “29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God.  30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.”  It is apparent that the woman was not sealed to any of the seven brothers, therefore the marriages were only binding on this earth.  Both of the terms that the Savior used at this time are verbs meaning that no marriages will be performed for someone and no one will be given to another to be married after their resurrection.  Only those who have been sealed here on this earth by one who has authority given him by the Lord will sealed or married after the resurrection.

This is in agreement with the revelation given to the Prophet Joseph Smith and found in Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants.   The Lord states:  “16 Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory.  17 For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever.  18 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife, and make a covenant with her for time and for all eternity, if that covenant is not by me or by my word, which is my law, and is not sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, through him whom I have anointed and appointed unto this power, then it is not valid neither of force when they are out of the world, because they are not joined by me, saith the Lord, neither by my word; when they are out of the world it cannot be received there, because the angels and the gods are appointed there, by whom they cannot pass; they cannot, therefore, inherit my glory; for my house is a house of order, saith the Lord God.”

Only those who enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage here on earth, either live or through vicarious service by proxies for those who have passed from this life, and have their marriage sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise, will have their marriage sealed and binding after the resurrection.  The Lord states this in verse 19 of Section 132:  ” 19 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection…and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fullness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.”

Gramps

Confused

Dear Confused,

In 5th chapter of Abraham we are told that after the Gods created Adam and placed him in the Garden of Eden, they said:  “14…Let us make an help meet for the man, for it is not good that the man should be alone, therefore we will form an help meet for him.”  They then created Eve and brought her unto Adam.  Abraham continues:  “18 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.  19 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

They were commanded to multiply and fill the earth after having been sealed for time and eternity by the Lord himself.  When Eve partook of the forbidden fruit, Adam was aware that he had to follow suit or they would have been separated and unable to fulfill this great commandment from the Lord.

In the October 1998 issue of the Ensign, Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated:  “The expression of our procreative powers is pleasing to God, but he has commanded that this be confined within the relationship of marriage.”  President Kimball taught us:  “in the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved.  There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”(The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball)

Sexual relations between a man and woman who have been properly wed is not only a means of procreation, but also a means of expressing one’s love for another.  It is something that binds couples together and brings them closer to one another.  This is part of the meaning of becoming one flesh.  Just as it would not be right for one to engage in sexual relations outside the bonds of marriage, it would not be right if there was not a great love for one’s spouse.  Sexual relations with one’s spouse whom you have tremendous love for cannot be carnal or lustful.

In the same issue of the Ensign, Elder Richard G. Scott stated:  “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set.  One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality,  another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose.”

As we engage in sexual relations with our spouses as a means of expressing our great love for them, it will bind us together and strengthen our loyalty, fidelity and resolve to be a better companions.  There can be nothing about it that is carnal or lustful.

Gramps

I have read all your posts to questions on marriage, but I
would like your further opinion on children born to a second marriage.
If both the wife and the husband were sealed to their first spouses,
and they marry and have children, are not the children born under the
covenant twice, to both the husband and the wife?  Where do they
belong in the eternal family tree?

Chris

Dear Chris,

There can be many different circumstances, but children are only to be sealed to one set of parents.  What happens with the children if their parents are divorced and have their sealing canceled?  President Joseph Fielding Smith stated:  “…these children belong to God; they are his children, sent to that home with all the rights of protection from father and mother, guidance from father and mother, to be built up and strengthened in the faith, and to go into the heavens, into the celestial kingdom with the father and mother to sit with them in exaltation and glory.”  He further stated:  “When a man and woman are married in the temple for time and all eternity and then separate, the children will go with the parent who is justified and who has kept the covenants.  If neither of them has kept his covenants, the children may be taken away from both of them and given to somebody else, and that would be by virtue of being born under the covenant.  A child is not to be sealed the second time when born under the covenant, but by virtue of that birthright can be transferred.”  (Doctrine of Salvation 2:  91-92)

A woman can only be sealed to one husband at a time.  If she obtains a divorce and wants to marry another man, she will need to obtain from the President of the Church, a cancellation of her first sealing  prior to being able to be sealed to another man.  Her children from any previous marriages that were born under the covenant or sealed to their parents are not to be sealed again as stated by President Smith.  A reader of this site wrote the following comment:   “I found it enlightening at the sealing of a woman to her second husband, her first having been both abusive and unfaithful, to learn from the Sealer that the first sealing was not canceled until she was able to make that covenant with another because she and the children received all of the promised blessings in spite of the first companion’s sins.”

Divorce is becoming too common in the Church and in the World we live in.  Divorce is not part of the Gospel plan and has been introduced because of the hardness of heart and unbelief of the people.  The Lord was very clear on the matter of divorce, as we read in Matthew 19:  “3  The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?  4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,  5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery…”

There are certainly cases where divorce is justified, but if both parties are living the Gospel it would not be so.    Spousal abuse, adultery, breaking of Temple Covenants are circumstances where divorce might be permitted if the guilty party is unrepentant.  Those contemplating divorce should counsel with their priesthood leaders prior to any action being taken.

Gramps

I read a scripture that has had me questioning if the LDS Church is
the truth. Its in D&C 132 v. 54,55. How could Emma Smith be threatened
to be destroyed if she didn’t abide my this new law? That does not
make sense to me. I am having a hard time understanding the concept of
polygamy. Also, it states in the Mormon Doctrine book that polygamy
will be practiced in the millennium.  Why does it seem like polygamy
is such an important law, but it is not addressed in church lessons?
One of my friends mother is still sealed to her ex-husband even though
he cheated on her for 7 years. He is now remarried and is a bishop.
Why would Heavenly Father make her stay sealed with her ex-husband
even though that would not make her happy? Isn’t it the plan of
happiness? I am having a hard time understanding this.. Please help.

Coleman

Dear Coleman,

Doctrine and Covenants 132 resulted in an Abrahamic test for Joseph Smith, Emma and the entire Church then as well as today.  This revelation required of Joseph and Emma and all members of the Church to put their trust in the Lord who gave Joseph this revelation.  We find in Abraham 3, that when the Lord placed man on the earth He stated:   “25 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”  Abraham was commanded to sacrifice his son Issac.  He didn’t say he would not do it because the Lord had commanded “Thou shalt not kill”.  He was obedient and proceeded to follow the Lord’s command until he was stopped by an angel of the Lord.  Abraham was commanded by the Lord to take plural wives as was Issac, Jacob,  and others in the Old Testament.  In this they were obedient as was Joseph when he was given the commandment to take plural wives.

Though section 132 was not written until July 1843, it is apparent that Joseph received this commandment prior to that date.  Historian Joseph Bushman asked the question:  “What drove Joseph Smith to a practice that put his life and his word in jeopardy, not to mention his relationship with Emma?”  Joseph would not have entered into this practice if he had not been commanded by the Lord, as was Abraham.  This is the only commandment where Joseph did not commit himself immediately.  With all other commandments and directions from the Lord he was faithful and determined to obey them immediately.

In D&C 109 Joseph requested of the Lord that he, Emma and his family be exalted:  “68 O Lord, remember thy servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., and all his afflictions and persecutions—how he has covenanted with Jehovah, and vowed to thee, O Mighty God of Jacob—and the commandments which thou hast given unto him, and that he hath sincerely striven to do thy will.  69 Have mercy, O Lord, upon his wife and children, that they may be exalted in thy presence, and preserved by thy fostering hand.”  Steven Harper in his book, “Making Sense of the Doctrine and Covenants” states:  “the historical record shows that Joseph and Emma met its (law of exaltation) terms and conditions precisely.  They made and entered the covenant on May 28, 1843, and received the confirming ordinance section 132 refers to as “most holy” (being sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise) on September 28, 1843.”   Hyrum Smith held this authority as stated in D&C 124:  124. (The definitions in parenthesis have been added for understanding)

In D&C 132, the Lord states:  ” 26 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man marry a wife according to my word, and they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, according to mine appointment, and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever, and all manner of blasphemies, and if they commit no murder wherein they shed innocent blood, yet they shall come forth in the first resurrection, and enter into their exaltation; but they shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan unto the day of redemption, saith the Lord God.”  The Lord is stating this to everyone who meets these conditions, not just to Emma.  When one receives these ordinances they are expected to keep every commandment and follow every direction received from the Lord.

In “Making Sense of the Doctrine and Covenants”, Brother Harper tells us:  “Emma was never excommunicated, her ordinances never voided.  She gave her children faith in the Book of Mormon but blamed Brigham Young for plural marriage.”  Emma asked Joseph to give her a blessing as he was leaving for Carthage.  Being unable to give her a blessing he told her to write the desires of her heart and he would seal the blessing.  She wrote:  “to honor and respect my husband as my head, ever to live in his confidence and by acting in unison with him retain the place which God has given me by his side.”  The transcript of this blessing is found in the Church History Library and was quoted in Carol Cornwall Madsen’s book “The Heavens Are Open”.

Though couples enter into the “New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage”, it does not become binding until it has been sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise.  The President of the Church has the authority to bind on earth and in heaven as well as to loose on earth and in heaven.   If a couple is divorced civilly they can have their sealing canceled.  This is done by applying to the President of the Church.  Normally the cancellation of a woman’s sealing is not given until she is ready to be sealed to another.  We need to keep in mind that only those that are faithful and deserving of the Celestial Kingdom will have their sealing bound and receive their exaltation.  The Lord will take care of all those who are worthy.  They will receive all the blessings promised that they are worthy of and will not be penalized for the actions of their spouse.

Gramps

What is LDS Church policy regarding civil unions?

Garth

Garth,

When you refer to “civil unions”, I am assuming you mean civil marriages between a man and a woman that has been performed by an individual authorized by the local government.  The Church recognizes these marriages as binding.  They are honorable unions and there is no sin involved in these marriages.

We have always been counseled to obey the laws of the land, even when governments have not protected the rights of our members.  The 12th Article of Faith states:  “We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.”  Doctrine and Covenants section 134 is a statement regarding governments and laws in general.  This statement was adopted by the Church in August 1835 by a unanimous vote.

Governments in some countries have not given our Priesthood Leaders authority to perform marriages.  In these cases, the couple must be be married civilly prior to being sealed in the Temple.  This is especially true when the couple is being sealed in a Temple that is not located within the country they reside.  The Church supports the governments rulings in these cases as well and will not perform the sealing until the couple is legally married.

Because these marriages are performed under civil law, they are only binding for the duration of the couple’s life here on this earth.  Members who have been married civilly will be strongly encouraged to be sealed in the Temple so that there union is both for time and eternity.

Gramps

I have been married for 20 years in the temple and have 4
children. I have struggled with my husband who will not get a job, is
grumpy and lazy.  I have been to sole provider of our home and am
resentful.  I have stayed married because of my covenants but for my
entire marriage I have been regretful. When I stopped working we lost
everything and my husband still made no attempt to get a job, so I
went back to work.  My resent is turning to hatred because I feel
stuck in a temple marriage with a man who is “nice” but wont take
responsibility for his family. Will things change for us in the next
life?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I would encourage you to read an article I wrote previously that has been posted at the following site:  http://www.askgramps.org/preserving-ones-marriage/.  Many of the things stated in this article apply to your situation as well.

Each of us needs to remember that in order for our sealing(Temple Marriage) to be binding it must be sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise.  The Lord explained this in D&C 132:  7 “… All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths, vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made and entered into and sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, …are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead.”

Only those who are worthy of being exalted in the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom will receive this great promise.  Each of us will be judged based solely on our own worthiness and not the worthiness of someone else, including our spouse.  Elder Dallin Oaks gave an excellent talk on the subject of Divorce in his April 2007 Conference address.  He stated:  “Personal circumstances vary greatly. We cannot control and we are not responsible for the choices of others, even when they impact us so painfully.

In this same talk, Elder Oaks gave the following message of comfort:  “Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experiences, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.”

I would strongly encourage you seek counsel from your Bishop concerning your husband and your relationship.  The Bishop has a very sacred calling and is entitled to inspiration from the Lord to help each member of his ward.  We must to do everything we can to preserve and strengthen our marriages.  When we go before the judgment seat we will want to be able to tell the Lord that we did all that we could possibly do to keep the covenants we made with Him and our spouses.

Gramps

My husband and I are active church members. We serve in the temple.
The problem is we argue much too much.  I have fasted and prayed about
this many times over and have begged him to try to help us have a
happier marriage.   I have asked him to go to counselling with me but
he refuses.
I simply have to find happiness and fulfillment outside my marriage
and I do this through  serving in the church, being close to friends
and family members (especially my daughters) and by reading and doing
things alone.
I won’t get a divorce after all these years but I need some help.
First, can I do anything to improve this situation?  Second, are
there some people just aren’t supposed to be together in the
eternities, in spite of being sealed in the temple?

Jan

Dear Jan,

Your question is a very difficult one to address.  Many excellent talks have been given and articles written by the Brethren as well as qualified marriage counselors on how to deal with problems that exist in marriages, including anger and arguing.  The main issue though is that your husband needs to acknowledge that problems exist in your relationship and both of you must be willing to accept help in solving these problems.  The vast majority of  marriages can be saved if both the husband and wife are willing to humble themselves, keep the commandments and bring the Spirit of the Lord into their homes.  I would encourage you to seek help from your Bishop.  He has been called by the Lord to give counsel and help to the members of his Ward.

Each of us need to do all that we can to preserve our marriages and relationships.  In Matthew 19, the Lord stated:  6 “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.”

President Hinckley gave the following counsel to brethren of the Priesthood in the October 2007 Conference.   “Now in closing, I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.  If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.”  Maybe you could put this quotation in a place where it would be seen often.

President David O. McKay stated, “In the light of scripture, ancient and modern, we are justified in concluding that Christ’s ideal pertaining to marriage is the unbroken home, and conditions that cause divorce are violations of his divine teachings. … There may be circumstances which make the continuance of the marriage state a greater evil than divorce. But these are extreme cases—they are the mistakes, the calamities in the realm of marriage. If we could remove them I would say there never should be a divorce. It is Christ’s ideal that home and marriage should be perpetual—eternal.” (Treasures of Life, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1965, p. 66.)

Only those who are worthy and have entered into the “New and Everlasting Covenant of Marriage” will be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise.  These are they who will inherit the highest degree within the Celestial Kingdom.  We can be assured that the Lord in His wisdom will determine the status of each of us in the eternities.

Gramps

I have grown up being taught that we can progress only if we
make it to the Celestial Kingdom. As an adult I have heard other
people say that we can progress from the Telestial Kingdom to the
Terrestrial Kingdom and so on.

Gerald

Dear Gerald,

There is a vast difference between progression and “Eternal Progression”.   “Eternal Progression” denotes God’s progression or way.    The Lord told Enoch in Moses 7 of the Pearl of Great Price, that one of His names is “Eternal”.  Those and only those who inherit the highest degree in the Celestial Kingdom will be blessed with “Eternal Progression” meaning there will be no limit or end to their progression.  The progression of all those who do not inherit the highest degree in the Celestial Kingdom will end as there are limits set to their progression.  This doctrine was revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith and recorded in the Doctrine & Covenants, section 131:  1 ” In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;  2 And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];  3 And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.  4 He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.”   Those who do not inherit the highest degree will not have the opportunity to become Gods, but rather they will become angels of God forever.  This is recorded in the D&C 132:   17 “For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God forever and ever.”

Only those who enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage while in this life (meaning until one is resurrected) and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise, will be worthy of this great blessing.  This  saving ordinance is performed vicariously in the Temple for those who did not have the opportunity while here upon the earth.  In section 132 it states:  16 “Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory.”

Only those baptized by one holding the Priesthood of God will be able to inherit any degree within the Celestial Kingdom.  The baptismal ordinance also needs to be received during this life(as defined above).   The progression of those who have not been baptized will be further limited as they will not be able to progress into the Celestial Kingdom.

Gramps

I have read a lot of your advice on your website and I really respect your opinions and trust your knowledge of the Church; that is why I am contacting you today. I was baptized into the LDS church on October 20th 2007, and on November 7th 2008 I went to the temple for my own endowments. Before I went to the temple I felt that I had a good testimony of this church, but after going to the temple I feel as if my whole world has come crashing down. The temple was not at all what I thought it would be. I knew that it would be different and that there would be a lot of symbolism used, but I don’t think that there was any way I could have been prepared for what I experienced that day. It was a very scary experience for me; I felt like I was doing something wrong…it almost felt Satanic to me. I know that when many people go to the temple for the first time it is a little different and they don’t really understand it, but in my case I was downright frightened. I don’t know if this is because I wasn’t raised in the Church and therefore wasn’t exposed to enough to prepare me for the temple, or what. I went in expecting something so beautiful and peaceful and I expected to feel close to my Father…but instead all I felt was fear. I guess it was everything about the temple; the clothing, the covenants, the symbols, just everything. It really scared me and I felt like it was wrong.

Before I went to the temple everyone kept telling me how wonderful it would be and how you feel the Spirit so much while you are there, and I was so looking forward to it. I must say that the Sealing the next day was much much better; I actually did feel the Spirit that day and it was just fine. But the endowment session the night before really shook my faith in this church; it didn’t seem to have anything to do with the church at all…it felt like it had no connection to the Church or God or Christ or anything. I know I am rambling, but I guess I’m just trying to get you to understand how confused I am. My testimony has really suffered because of this experience. I told my bishop that my experience at the temple was scary and that I never wanted to go back again.  He is a very good bishop and I know it was disappointing to him to hear me say that. I was hoping he would help me but when I told him he just kind of stared at me blankly and then told me to pray about it. That was it.

Ever since I went through the temple I have been doubting the entire church and more and more things keep popping up that make me doubt the church. I don’t know what has happened to me; just three months ago I was so excited to go to the temple and I loved the church and belived in it. And now today I am contemplating leaving the church.

I know you are a very intelligent person and that you have a really good understanding of the Church.  I’m hoping that you will have some words of comfort or reassurance for me about the temple. I’m also hoping you might have some advice for me on how I can get past this. I would love to be able to feel the way I did before about the Church, but I am just so confused I really don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me.

Sincerely,

Megan

Dear Megan,

I am truly sorry that you had a negative experience when you attended the Temple for the first time.  Due to the sacredness of what goes on in the Temple, we are unable to discuss in detail what transpires there and why.  It is through study, prayer and Temple attendance that we come to fully understand our Temple experience.  President Benson, in his later years,  stated that he continued to learn new things about the Temple.  I promise you that if you continue to attend the Temple worthily, with an open heart, you will come to love the experience of serving and being in the Temple.  It is a place of personal revelation and peace.

I would encourage you to remember the wonderful blessings you were promised when you received your endowments as well as those promised to you when you were sealed to your husband.  These are truly great blessings that our Father in Heaven promises to us.  Brigham Young gave us the following definition of the endowment:  “Let me give you a definition in brief. Your endowment is, to receive all those ordinances in the House of the Lord, which are necessary for you, after you have departed this life, to enable you to walk back to the presence of the Father, passing the angels who stand as sentinels, being able to give them the key words, the signs and tokens, pertaining to the holy Priesthood, and gain your eternal exaltation in spite of earth and hell. ” (Discourses of Brigham Young, comp. John A. Widtsoe [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1971], page 416.)

No other blessing rival those that we receive in the Temple, the house of our Lord.

Next I would suggest that you read and study all that you can concerning the Temple and the ordinances we receive there.  The following is excerpts from an article that has appeared in many lesson manuals of the Church and in Church Magazines.  It was written by Elder Elray L. Christiansen, who served as President of the Salt Lake Temple as well as a General Authority.  You can read the full article here.

Most of what Latter-day Saints learn about the temple is learned in the temple itself. However, there are some things that the First Presidency feels you ought to be aware of so that you will be properly oriented and receive adequate understanding from your temple experience.

Before a person can be married (or sealed as husband and wife) in the temple, he or she receives the ordinances of the endowment.

As you receive your endowment, you will be given instruction relative to the purposes and plans of the Lord in creating and peopling the earth and in exalting his children in the life to come.

Elder James E. Talmage, formerly of the Council of the Twelve, has given a clear description of the endowment:

“The Temple Endowment, as administered in modern temples, comprises instruction relating to the significance and sequence of past dispensations, and the importance of the present as the greatest and grandest era in human history. This course of instruction includes a recital of the most prominent events of the creative period, the condition of our first parents in the Garden of Eden, their disobedience and consequent expulsion from that blissful abode, their condition in the lone and dreary world when doomed to live by labor and sweat, the plan of redemption by which the great transgression may be atoned, the period of the great apostasy, the restoration of the Gospel with all its ancient powers and privileges, the absolute and indispensable condition of personal purity and devotion to the right in present life, and a strict compliance with Gospel requirements. …

“The ordinances of the endowment embody certain obligations on the part of the individual, such as covenant and promise to observe the law of strict virtue and chastity, to be charitable, benevolent, tolerant and pure; to devote both talent and material means to the spread of truth and the uplifting of the race; to maintain devotion to the cause of truth; and to seek in every way to contribute to the great preparation that the earth may be made ready to receive her King,—the Lord Jesus Christ. With the taking of each covenant and the assuming of each obligation a promised blessing is pronounced, contingent upon the faithful observance of the conditions.

“No jot, iota, or tittle of the temple rites is otherwise than uplifting and sanctifying. In every detail the endowment ceremony contributes to covenants of morality of life, consecration of person to high ideals, devotion to truth, patriotism to nation, and allegiance to God.” (The House of the Lord [Deseret Book Co., 1968], pp. 83–84.)

To endow is to enrich, to give to another something long-lasting and of much worth. The endowment ordinances enrich in three ways:  1. The one receiving the ordinance is given power from God. “Recipients are endowed with power from on High.”  2. A recipient is also endowed with information and knowledge. “They receive knowledge relative to the Lord’s purposes and plans. …”3. When sealed at the altar, a person is the recipient of glorious blessings, powers, and honors, as part of his endowment.

The endowment is a most important and significant blessing, and the Lord desires his worthy children to receive it. You should all look forward to the day when you will receive your own endowment.

The ordinances of the temple are so sacred that they are not open to the view of the public. They are available only to those who qualify through righteous living. They are performed in places dedicated especially for this purpose. Their sacred nature is such that discussion in detail outside the temple is inappropriate.

Many blessings come to those who receive and respect these sacred ordinances, which are so necessary for exaltation. Participation in temple work provides dynamic, vivid, useful instruction in gospel principles, and the temple is a place for contemplation and prayer.

The temple is a sanctuary from the world, a bit of heaven on earth, and one should continue to live worthily so that he can go to the temple often and renew his covenants.
ElRay L. Christiansen, “Some Things You Need to Know about the Temple,” New Era, Jun 1971, 25.

In addition to this article there are two books that are very helpful in understanding Temples and what transpires there.  The first is “The House of the Lord”, by Elder James E. Talmage.  This is the book Elder Christiansen quoted from in the above article.  The other is “The Holy Temple” by President Boyd K. Packer.  If you continue to have questions you might also ask a member of the Temple Presidency to help you understand the next time you attend the Temple.  As you study and attend the Temple you will feel His spirit, which will be very comforting.

Gramps

Many questions have been sent in concerning the cancellation of their Temple Sealing and the effect it has on their children who are born in the covenant.  Elder James A. Cullimore, who served as a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy gave an excellent explanation to these questions.  This article appears in the December 1975 New Era.  It was given in response to the question “What happens when a couple gets a temple divorce?”

“As to the question, “What happens when a couple gets a temple divorce?” we should understand that there is no such thing as a temple divorce. What we refer to as a temple divorce is in fact a cancellation of a temple sealing. When a couple is married in the temple, they not only satisfy the law of the land as to a legal civil marriage, but they are also sealed for time and all eternity in an eternal relationship.  A civil divorce nullifies the marriage so far as the civil law is concerned, but only by a mandate of the President of the Church can the sealing of the couple be canceled. A cancellation of the sealing is what we are really referring to when we talk about a temple divorce.

When one has been granted a civil divorce after his temple sealing, he must be cleared by the First Presidency before he can be granted a temple recommend by his bishop. After a divorce clearance has been granted by the First Presidency, an application for a cancellation of the temple sealing might be made to the President of the Church. Normally it is the woman who seeks a cancellation of sealing. Since a woman cannot be sealed to two men at the same time, she must have a cancellation of sealing from one before she can be sealed to another.

As to the next question, “What happens to the children in the next life when there has been a cancellation of sealing of the parents?”  It is understood that in the case of a cancellation of the sealing of the woman to the man, this does not cancel the sealing of the children to the parents, since they were born in the covenant, which is a birthright blessing. They remain in the status of the sealing to their parents and can never be sealed to anyone else. The decision as to with whom they will go will be determined by the Lord in the hereafter.

Regarding being born in the covenant the General Handbook of Instructions states, “Children born in the covenant cannot be sealed to anyone, but belong to their natural parents. This rule is not altered by adoption, consent of the natural parents, request of the child after becoming of age or death of the natural parents.” (P. 101.)

It should be kept in mind that to be born in the covenant is a birthright blessing, and that if a child remains worthy in this life of celestial blessings, regardless of the actions of his parents, he is assured of that birthright and is guaranteed eternal parentage. One’s worthiness in this life through living the gospel and keeping the commandments, in this as in all things, is the key to eternal life.”

Normally, women, who have been divorced civilly,  would not apply for a cancellation of sealing until they are ready to be sealed to another man.   If you have further questions concerning this topic, your Bishop will be able to help you.

Gramps

My Patriarchal Blessing states that I will “have the
blessings of the great patriarchs”  and “the yearnings of Abraham.”
Could I please get a little clarification on these.

And I know that these, as well as all blessings are contingent on
our personal level of worthiness!

Michael

Dear Michael,

The Lord’s promise to Abraham was that he would have a great posterity as it would be numbered as the dust of the earth.  This is found in Gensis 13:  15 “For all the ^aland which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever.  16 And I will make thy ^aseed as the ^bdust of the earth: so that if a man can number the dust of the earth, then shall thy seed also be numbered.”   Yet later in Genesis 15, Abraham asks the Lord:  2″And Abram said, Lord God, what wilt thou give me, seeing I go childless, and the ^asteward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus?  3 And Abram said, Behold, to me thou hast given no seed:”

Though I have not heard it referred to as his yearning, Abraham’s desire was to have children and a large posterity.  He had been promised that his posterity would be numbered as the dust of the earth and yet he had no children. The name Abraham means father of a multitude.

In the Bible Dictionary we find the following definition:  “A patriarch is called an evangelist in D&C 107: 39 . As such patriarch is an ordained office in the Melchizedek Priesthood. The fathers from Adam to Jacob were all patriarchs of this kind. The word as used in the Bible seems to denote also a title of honor to early leaders of the Israelites, such as David (Acts 2: 29) and the 12 sons of Jacob (Acts 7: 8-9). The word is of Greek derivation and means father-ruler; the Hebrew word it translates is simply father. ”

The ones most commonly identified would be Abraham, Issac, Jacob and Jacob’s sons, but there were many great ones before Abraham, with Adam being the first.  There are many blessings that would be identified with these great men.  Abraham had the higher priesthood given to him and entered into celestial marriage, which is the covenant of exaltation.  He was given a promise that all of these blessings would be offered to all of his mortal posterity.  Further in the Bible Dictionary it states:  “The portions of the covenant that pertain to personal salvation and eternal increase are renewed with each individual who receives the ordinance of celestial marriage (see D&C 132: 29-33). Those of non-Israelite lineage, commonly known as gentiles, are adopted into the house of Israel, and become heirs of the covenant and the seed of Abraham, through the ordinances of the gospel (Gal. 3: 26-29). ”

To me the blessings of the patriarchs would be the blessings of the Gospel and Exaltation provided by our Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ.

Gramps